163. What If I Have 5 Minutes? Building A United Front When The World Pulls Your Marriage Apart- Pesa Shayo.

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Hello everyone, welcome back to Growth Room Podcasts and our social series Whatever I Have Five Minutes. It's a series built around one powerful question. If you had just five minutes to share a message of Jane someone's life or the world, what would you say? And today's guest is Pesa Shayo, author and co-founder of Live Your Best Marriage through his books, podcasts, and marriage resources. Pesa helps Christians and cross-cultural couples be the united front, true family, family pressure, loyalty conflicts, communication challenges, and cultural differences. In a world where many marriages are broken, not because of the lack of love, but because of a side project,

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please I believe couples can learn to stop fighting each other and start fighting for each other. So welcome to Growth Room Podcast. Thank you very much Favour. I'm very glad to be here today. I'm very happy to be here today. Yeah same year, I'm happy to have this conversation with you.

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So now let's dive into the big question, if you had just five minutes to share one message between someone's life or the world, what would you say? You know, thank you very much. If I had five minutes to share one thing, I will say, don't stop dating your wife.

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So for all the guys out there who are married, having a hard time right now, I believe it's because you stopped dating your wife. And what I mean is there's a lot of things you are doing before you got married. You are calling her, you are texting her, you could wait to see her, could wait to talk to her, and all those things right now are gone.

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Now you see her as an enemy. So now I would just say, if you only have five minutes right now, send her a text message. Send her a text message saying, you know what, I love you, I'm looking forward to come home this evening, if it's in the evening, if it's morning, you can always, just the way you used to do when you were dating, start doing that. And I believe, I believe it's going to really bring up another level of intimacy in your marriage.

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So the entire concept is stop dating your wife? Okay now what inspired this message? Why do you think it's worth sharing? We talk a lot about couples, stop fighting, stop doing all these things and becoming a United Front. But in the middle of that we are basically saying both of you be friends.

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If we go back to being friends, we will stop a lot of these problems. And it doesn't matter where you're coming from, if you are coming from different cultures, different countries. As long as you guys got married, that means there was a time you thought she was the one.

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There was a time you thought that she's gonna be your best friend forever. I mean, that's why you went through the whole process of getting married. So if we can get you back to that point where you still think She is the one or he is the one and stop looking at the grass that's quote unquote greener outside it's because somebody else has been taking good care of that grass start taking care of your own marriage, start taking care of your own grass and it means I mean start being friends with your spouse

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thank you so much for for that now talk about broken marriages yeah never been married before So, I would love to know specifically what causes the breakups in marriage. You see the love it will be on your wedding day but after I rewire everything just dies down so what do you think could possibly be the cause and what is the solution?

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and you haven't been married but that's a good thing because right now you can start getting the information Because now we are giving you the information on the other side Because sometimes when I found out that people tend to stay with people like them So if I'm not married, I tend to be with people who are not married And then eventually when I get married, now I am surrounded by people who are married But most of the time we never get to hear stories from the other side So you are doing such a great thing because now you're actually talking to somebody who's on the other side

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and they can tell you before you cross the line, this is some of the things you need to do. And one of them is just remember what's going on right now. If you are dating somebody or if you are in that process of planning for a wedding, there is a feeling of connection.

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That connection is something that a lot of people when they get married, they take it for granted. Right now they're taking it for granted because it just happens. It's just there. And then when they are married, that goes away because either if they are too familiar, maybe the kids are in the picture, maybe somebody gets a new job and they are out of the city, they live in another town. All these things take away the connection that was there.

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So even if you haven't been married yet and you can start thinking about those things, How can I keep my connection? How can I make it that even after we tie the knot, We still are creating opportunities That we can still keep this fire going. Like I had mentioned, going to dates.

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Going to date sounds very easy until you're married for five years And now it's like, oh my God, we gonna do that thing again? But yes, there is a lot of things you can do to make it exciting and it can be even just going and taking a walk at the park or just going and walking at the mall.

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Things that you do when you are dating, and you never thought that it was a problem. So you can just do them again. But at times where both of you are together, not with kids, not with your laws, not with your friends, not just, oh no we're going for a date but I have to bring my friends.

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And I like some people who say they have to double date. I think double dating has its own time but I'm not a big fan of double dating because I feel like it takes away that connection with the couple, like husband and wife. So to prevent some of these problems just do it together.

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Like just have a way of going to dates. And also for men, also women too. Don't be very defensive. Defensive I mean if somebody says you know what? I don't like the way you talk to me and the first thing we say is, hold on, you don't talk to me nice either.

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And now that starts another fight. You can just say okay you know what i see your point and you can make the other person know that you're listening to what they are saying. You do that to your boss, you do that to your friends at work, You can still do the same way to your spouse.

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Yeah, yeah. So no, okay. I don't have a point I want to raise. Yes, sure. Now for married couples, okay? There's those heat up moments they tend to get after marriage, fighting and uh… Now from two lenses it kind of me brings them closer. From the other lens Some places never get make up, they just go there separate ways, kind of.

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So now what do you think these people, the ones who fight and then they get stronger at doing that? These persons who fights and they go there separate ways, what is this person doing differently from this other person? Yes, one thing is they are still looking at each other as, and I go back to the same thing. They're still looking at each other as still friends and they can see how this is going to work. Let me give you an example. When we started going for date night, many years ago, I think 11 years

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ago, what was happening is we at that time were trying to save our marriage so what we are doing is getting in the car and going to the date night but Remember at that time we were having a lot of problems. So during the drive to the place where we are going, there was a lot of arguments in the car.

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To the point that it doesn't make sense to go for that date. Remember you're going for dates and when you think about it, dates are supposed to be a fun time but what happened was I would be like, We are still fighting but we still need to do what? We still need to do this. We still have to make this work. So we would stop, go maybe to a bookshop or bookstop. That time it was Banzanova, we would go to a bookstop and just walking around that calms us down. So by the

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time we are going for that date, we have changed and we are nice again. So I believe a lot of other couples who can't see that you know why this is still my friend yes we are arguing yes we are not nice to each other but she's still my friend and we don't need to take it to the next level okay So some of them will feel like you know what there is nothing to fix here.

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But what you're forgetting is even when you go to the next person You still haven't learned to be able to have to be nicer to somebody else who's not you so even if you divorce and you go to the next person you still need to learn that skill The skill of bringing the tension down in your own marriage It's not, you have to learn it and the best place to run it is still in your marriage. So yes, so those people who are quick to say no I'm having a divorce they are more like even when they get another one, they will still have to learn these skills

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There is no way around them Yeah Yeah, if you wanted to say something please go ahead Yeah yeah, and it sounds like it sounds like a lot of work Work is a lot of work and most people don't want to do a lot of work. They believe it needs to be just fun, fun, fun.

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But always remember you are with another human being. Even if you by yourself sometimes have conflicting ideas. What about having somebody else in your another human being? They also have their own way of saying things. Being okay with that, they are saying things differently and being able to incorporate that into your life, based on your marriage makes it that actually even in the marriage and also feeling more fulfilled versus just one person running the show and another person is quiet to prevent arguments.

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That doesn't… that will just make people very resentful. They just constantly resent and the fact that they even married. Yeah, I think yeah, I could relate to that. I can relate to that. So now you, from what you are explaining, it seems a lot of persons, they go into marriage with a fantasy of everything's just going to be fun for an outfit, the life of the party, what the media actually wants to see.

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That's where they want to project into their marriage. But then when he doesn't turn like how the media wants it to look like they start having to battle, the fight and then they feel like maybe they are with the wrong person right? And then when they go to the next person it's also going to be like a fresh start and they also don't ever see a problem coming from that the next person. Yeah I think I get it now so the solution here is the person should focus on fixing the problem not wanting to go to the next

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Yes, yeah just fix that. And just for example when you are doing this podcast there is the raw audio which is like with all the O's and R's And then there is one that has been edited that is perfect, right? So anybody who's like editing videos or editing a podcast, they know that there's how it really was and how when it has all been cleaned up and it looks great.

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So sometimes on social media, what you're seeing, you're not really seeing what really happened. You are seeing what has been edited and it looks great. So sometimes when you take that and you think that, okay, my miles has to be highlights every five seconds, it might be very unfair to yourself and also to your partner because she or he is also a human being who just woke up, they are tired, they are not prepared, they are also afraid, they are also worried. So they are just another human being who is angry, they also have dreams that never

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came true, they are also feeling like maybe they are not accomplishing things is the way they had planned when they were still at school. So all those things being put together in one house might need a little bit of people giving and taking, like, okay, because it's never gonna be just perfect all the time, and that's something that we might forget.

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So we are trying to find a way where can we, one way, have a great marriage. but also realize that we are married to a real person and that might mean yes there might be some arguments here and there giving up something compromising, that's a big one you have to compromise you don't get your way all the time and also sometimes you might have grown so let's say for example here you're doing something very great around in this podcast series but you might be with somebody who is not even ready to be able to interview somebody else.

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So they have to grow to get to that level and some people might not be okay with that. So being aware that it's another human who also is growing makes it that the same way you grew, makes it that you can give them more, you can be more empathetic. Yeah, Yeah, it can be more empathetic.

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Pick the one who fits me kind of so not in dance fairs Does this you know values differ it can be did for some pieces or for some person? due because of dating, a lot of things go on behind the scenes and then end up. Yeah, yeah. And also it has been said that a lot of people believe like when they date they'll find the right person but when you really think about what you…

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A lot of people believe like okay if I just date and I find the right person and then after that, will be I'll be able to settle down and have a great marriage. But sometimes when you really think about it the whole concept of dating and let's say you're on an app and you are just finding so many people to date what you're basically doing is actually becoming good at dropping people and dropping people getting rid of people.

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You're basically becoming better at getting rid of people. So now when you get married, you have a skill. You've created a very good skill, the skill of getting rid of people. In a way, you are actually preparing for a divorce without even knowing you became good at because you cannot put up with anything.

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Every time somebody says something that doesn't work for you, you're more likely to say, you know, we're not going to do this anymore. So you become very good at getting a divorce, in essence. So you have to go another skill, another skill of pulling up and working through situations which might be very difficult versus just doing what somebody was doing when they were young and dating which was, I'm dating, I won't see you again, I won't see you again, which is just, they're just, again, they're getting good at getting rid of people.

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So, the, I can't help another, it's also at least, now, the double dating team, is it supposed to be a no, yes or no? I just wanted to say something. So, when you're married, there's this double dating where you and another couple go out for a date. I don't think there's a problem for a couple who has another like their friends and they can go out for a date. I don't think it's a problem.

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But what I'm saying is sometimes for a married couple who are so used to having other people with them when they go out for a date, it can make it that they never really have these hard conversations. So let's say there's something that really bothers you with your husband or your wife, somebody like that.

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And there's other people in the room like you're going out and there's other people Thank you so much for that. So now, to wrap up I have one question. Now, for couples listening and today we feel like emotional distance. I'm starting again, what are the step-by-step ways to review their relationship or to review anything in their relationship?

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Okay yeah so for a couple right now that they're like okay it's not working but I need to like I want to make this marriage work. I think the first thing you need to start realizing that you are not the only one in this world who's going through a hard time.

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It might look like that on social media, but there's other people who are going through the hard time and it's basically what's going on is maybe you haven't learned a way to handle a situation. And one of the easiest things that you can do right now is stop blaming each other because That's the easiest thing that people do to make things worse.

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So stop blaming, then stop the blame game. Like oh my God it's his fault or it's his mom or all that. Just stop it and then start thinking okay what can I do to make this better? What can I do to make this better? And you might find that it might be as easy as not making the fight getting worse because we all have our side, we all have our part in each argument.

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You cannot have an argument by yourself. You have to have somebody else to continue arguing. So sometimes it can be as easy as just saying, okay what do I do to make this thing worse? And stop doing that. Sometimes you might be just, you need to start listening.

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Like listening while like listening to your wife while you are not on the phone because we found out like the phone sometimes can make it that someone is telling you something very important but because you're still texting or you are watching something on your phone, they really don't feel like they are connecting with you. Knowing that they are telling me something important and putting that your phone down when listening, that can really bring a couple, start bringing a couple closer But I think the first thing is just stop blaming.

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Yeah! And then see okay what am i doing to contribute to this? And you might be surprised how something that was a big problem in your marriage can be taken down so quickly when you're like, you know what? You can even tell your spouse, I don't want to fight.

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I don't want to fight about this anymore. You'd be surprised while they are ready to fight. You can say, no one, I don't want to. You're right. I don't want to fight about it. And that can start taking the temperature down in a relationship, like the arguments down because at the end of the day, you want to have less of those arguments and more of connection, more of, you know we are building a future together. You know we are raising kids together or you know we're about to buy that piece of land like those things that bring you guys closer or we're about

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to take the vacation together and less of these nonsense arguments that after a while you have so many of them but you're not moving forward yeah yeah thank you. So in Ine Noshia everything boils down to communication, communication is very important and one thing that I've used and maybe you can even use in your business or whatever it's I most of the time when I'm talking to somebody I like to be more agreeable so if somebody says something I don't like the I don't want to be the first one to say, you know what, that's wrong. That's not right.

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I can say, you know what, I see what you're seeing. You know what, I see where you're coming from. That makes it that they are more likely to continue talking to you. Because people feel like, okay, if you are more agreeable, you are more friendly. So the same way as if you can do, that's the same thing that I do with my wife. Hey, she might say something, and I'm like, yeah, I see what you mean. I see your point. Maybe I see, maybe I don't, but at the end of

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the day i'm trying to move the conversation forward in a positive way instead of saying oh hold on we don't do that in my country in my country we don't do it that way and that will bring a lot of argument for no reason yeah thank you so so much i would have wondered the episode to continue because of time Your presence and for joining me on Growth Room, share your insights about marriage.

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So in a nutshell, this is where you want to impart the word. I could see it very well. And one of the biggest takeaways for me that I know that I don't think I will forget any movement from now. It's a continuity in your life. Yeah. Yeah. yeah, so you should start reaching your way, you should continue to put in the work regardless of whether you guys have tied your notes and all of that so yeah, that really is true and to my listeners okay, do you have something else to say?

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no, that's it, yes okay to my listeners in this conversation encourage you and you find it very insightful share it with some who could benefit from it you never know one conversation can stretch in the relationship or even save a marriage so until next time keep growing, keep learning and remember sometimes five minutes is all it takes to change your life see you in my next episode