From Triggered to Activated: Pesa Shayo's Healing Mindset Shift

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Welcome to the Healing Mindset. I'm Ria and I am so glad you're here with us tonight.

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This is a space where we explore the inner work that changes everything,

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where healing isn't about fixing what's broken but remembering what's whole.

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Tonight's conversation is one I've been looking forward to for a long time.

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Joining me tonight is Pesa Shayo, some of his work centers on the transformative power

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and our most important relationships and in your landscapes.

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Hi Pesa, thank you so much for being here. How are you?

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I'm doing very well Rhea. Thank you for having me.

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So, Pesa before we begin would you like to share a little something about yourself?

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Yes, yes, so again I am Pesa, Pesa Shayo

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And I'm the co-founder of Live Your Best Marriage

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We founded this ministry Me & My Wife

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and we've been married for more than 20 years.

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And the big thing, why we founded this marriage is

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why we founded this marriage ministry was because of a lot of

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cultural differences that we are in a cross-cultural marriage

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and we were having a lot of cultural problems raising our children

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and that's basically my background.

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Our marriage reached a really painful point once

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has got together and navigated these cross-cultural differences.

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And I'm really looking forward to our conversation today.

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Thank you.

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So I want to start with this.

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People first hear the phrase healing mindset,

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what do you think they often misunderstand about what it

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means?

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And what does the healing mindset mean to you?

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So the first time when you hear the word healing mindset,

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I usually think in terms of, okay there's some heart, you've been hurt and now you need to

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get over it and you heal.

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But with time I found out that sometimes you might think you have healed but you actually

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have created some coping mechanisms where you haven't really worked on yourself to get

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to the point of healing, but you found a way to survive after being hurt.

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Interesting.

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Yeah I think people often have that misconception about whether they're healed or not.

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A lot of times it's avoidance of certain triggers, a lot of times it's distractions which are

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just coping mechanisms in the shock or term and people mistake it for true healing.

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Yes.

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So, Professor what is healing to you?

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So healing to me is when you have done the work, you have realized number one that you've

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been hurt.

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You've gone through and you found out that okay every time I go through this situation

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I get triggered.

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And now you are more vulnerable because the trigger to me helps me realize that there's

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work that needs to be done.

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and once I realize that, now I start taking steps to make sure that I find out what is the cause of this trigger,

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what caused it, and what can I do to make sure that next time if I'm in the same situation

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I have a whack on it to the point where you know what?

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I can be able to be in that situation without having those negative feelings that I would have called them a trigger.

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And one thing I've also realized is just because you are triggered does not mean you need to act it out

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I've learned that I've changed the word from trigger to being activated

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and I call it activation, because yes, I've been activated but does not mean I need to act it out

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Because every time we think about trigger, I think it's like a gun has been shot

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and the bullet has gone out. And there's nothing you can do about it, you have been triggered.

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But if I'm activated, there is some space where I can actually do something and change my reaction.

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Absolutely! I think there are a lot of key takeaways that you offered us in that answer.

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Beginning with how identification is really important to understand what's hurting you

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and why a certain trigger is evoking this emotion of this reaction from you.

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I feel like that's the full step, awareness.

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And I also love how you mentioned that a trigger does not necessarily have to make you react.

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It is just… I love the way you changed the term and you called it activation instead

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because that kind of changes our core understanding of what a trigger is.

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doesn't necessarily demand a reaction.

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And healing means to get to a place where you can be faced with those triggers without evoking such a strong or harsh emotional reaction.

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So I completely agree with you.

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So when you look at people who struggle to develop this kind of mindset in their lives,

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what do you notice are the deeper patterns or beliefs that keep them stuck?

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and make them strong. Why are they unable to cultivate this mindset?

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I think for most people it's very hard to cultivate this mindset because it forces them to, number one,

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be true to themselves, to actually aware. Because that awareness sometimes is so hard.

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It took me a long time to even be aware that these things are happening.

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Sometimes we go through life in autopilot,

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I also think that just to add your answer, I also feel like being aware also means facing

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certain emotions that can be really uncomfortable for people. It can be really difficult to digest

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and to face which is why people often are really hesitant about bringing in that awareness. I also

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really love the point of autopilot because people do live that way. Hardly do we introspect anymore,

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Hardly do we think before we react to certain things, hardly do we assess what's hurt us and what's causing us, what's triggering us or activating like you said.

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So I completely agree with you. So, Supersa if somebody has started, if someone wants to start kind of incorporating this healing mindset into their lives, they want to start cultivating this mindset

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mindset and they're down that process. In everyday life, how does the healing mindset show up differently?

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And how does it make a person react differently to their challenges?

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You know, it shows up differently. One thing that I've realized that it shows up in my life

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I'm more likely to pause before I react, before I will just react.

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But now I might be having a conversation with my wife and before I just answer

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I have a few seconds to pause and think about it.

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Another thing that really I've incorporated and I would even ask maybe some of your audience to use

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is to journal. Spending time and journaling and just putting some of your thoughts onto paper can really help you go through and figure out,

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okay was that really necessary for me to act like that? Was that should I have acted like that? Maybe next time if this happens

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and I can take a different direction in that conversation.

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So pausing and also journaling has really helped.

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Absolutely, I think the pausing point that you mentioned is so important

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because we're so quick to react to situations, right?

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We're so quick to react to people.

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There's hardly any pause between what's said to us and how we react.

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and the pause can be so transformative because it helps us really check in with whether what we're saying is sensitive,

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whether what we're saying can hurt another person.

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And so absolutely I feel like that would solve several problems for people in itself.

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And as you mentioned, yes, journaling also sounds like a fantastic practice

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because often times when our thoughts are in our minds they're so chaotic and disorganized

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and they base us in this really chaotic space in our lives

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and just having them down on paper can relieve us of so much of that confusion.

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So, that makes a lot of sense.

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Yes.

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So, based on someone's listening right now and they feel really inspired to go down this path

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if you're really inspired to open themselves up to healing

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and cultivating such a mindset.

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But it's a beginner and they don't know where to start.

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What's the practice or a shift in perspective that you would recommend they start with?

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So if you are thinking about starting today and you don't know what to do, I think the best

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it might not be the easiest but journaling. You can start with journaling and if you're having

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trouble with sitting there and writing, you can write like a few sentences for the first day.

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This might be a hard thing for a lot of people. Another thing that I've realized that helped me a lot

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is taking walks. So if you live in a place where even if it's in the city,

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you can just put on your headphones and just play calming music and just walk while you're

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just in your own thoughts, just playing back some of these things can really help you start having

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What is really happening? Why does walking seem to be a practice that helps people incorporate or be open to healing mindsets?

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Is it nature, or is it just movement? What is it that really is?

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That's really helping.

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You know for the longest time I live in a place where I can walk in nature.

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I live in a place I can walk in nature like in a park where there are so many trees and I used to believe 100%

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100% it was just because of the green

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I was having my green time

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but I've realized that some people who live in a city

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and it's just lots of building

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and I'm like, okay where are they gonna get their green time?

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But I've realized just the fact that they are walking

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and just thinking about their own things

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and they're just walking

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that movement sometimes helps

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just put them in a different environment

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and also play a huge part in calming one down and letting them reconnect with their environments

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and themselves. So absolutely. So, Sapeesa if someone's going down this path right here

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and they're starting all these practices that will help them become better versions of themselves

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we know that healing is hardly ever linear there are often setbacks people slip back into

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This is what has really helped me, it's just having this long-term view of life. So if I

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I think in terms of like, I have to get and figure out everything today.

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I just, I get so much anxiety.

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But if I think okay, I have to like, I'm gonna get this or I'm gonna figure this thing out in the next five years

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Or in the next ten years. So because I've given myself a long time

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Now I don't have that anxiety so I can start working on it as like today

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sometimes having like

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saying, okay I'm gonna do it in one year and I'm like, okay as long as I can do it daily or every other day

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I'm going to journal a little bit. As I'm building that muscle we'll start taking away the anxiety

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versus saying you know what? I saw this guy online he seems to journal a lot he has that calm mindset

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and I have to be like him, he has a hug and I'm gonna be like him in two weeks.

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That just brings so much anxiety. So have this long-term view and then start working

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little bit by little bit today. I think that will help.

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I think that's a wonderful strategy because that's the relationship and perspective

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that I've actually never heard before and it sounds really helpful in leaving the anxiety

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I also feel like the other point you mentioned about starting small is also so important

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about how we start walking for a little while or just start journaling,

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maybe one page a day and we need to stop comparing ourselves to people online

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and people around us because we're in completely different stages

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and different parts of our lives. So absolutely I think that's

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an important realization for people to have this.

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Pesa, if there's anything that you'd like or listeners to take away from this conversation

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today, if there's one thing, it could be a message or an advice or a tip. Anything you'd

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like to tell them what would it be?

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One thing I want to tell anybody listening to me right now is be kind to yourself as most

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people who might be listening to these might be high performers and they might be expecting

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a lot from themselves. I'm okay with that, but through the whole process be also kind

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just say you know what? I made a mistake. I'm gonna do it again. I'm gonna try again.

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I'm gonna try again versus you know what? I can't believe I made a mistake. Oh my God

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what's going on with me? So just be kind with yourself. Try it again. Try again and

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eventually you'll be shocked how much you've been able to achieve and that's

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That's basically the whole healing mindset thing here.

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You are calm, you're more relaxed and you're able to get things done because you are able

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to heal yourself through this whole process.

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Especially if most people listening to this show might be high performers and they're

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listening to the show to get more ideas as to how to be better, to be able to perform

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better.

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I just say like, be more kind to yourself, try and even if you're having a hard time accomplishing

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some of the things you have set out for yourself today. Have that healing mindset that even

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if it's not possible, I can't be able to do little baby steps versus being too hard on

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and then everything falls apart. Just little baby steps, and again be kind to yourself.

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I think that's a really comforting message to give to all of our listeners, especially

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when they're starting something so new it can be intimidating and you put a lot of pressure

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on people and it's so important to be compassionate towards yourself and start small. So, I completely

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with you. Kasa, thank you so much for sharing your insights with us today. It's been a great

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conversation and if anyone in the audience feels particularly inspired by you and either wants

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to connect with you or explore more of your work where can they find you? So they can find me at

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liveyourbestmarriage.com which is L-I-V-E yourbestmarriage.com

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or they can also search me by my name Pesa, P-E-S-A and then Shayo S-H-A-Y-O

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and they'll find more about me and then send me a message I would love to have a conversation with you

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and thank you so much for sharing that and uh for everyone listening before we choose tonight

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I want to leave you with this.

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Wherever you are in your healing journey, whether you're just beginning or you've been walking this path for years,

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you're not behind. You're exactly where you need to be in your own journey.

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And the fact that you're here listening, asking questions and staying curious

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that is proof that the healing mindset is already at work within you.

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Take a deep breath and realize that you're doing much better than you think.

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I'm Rhea and this has been the Healing Mindset. Until next time, be gentle with yourselves. Thank you.