Building a United Front in Marriage | Pesa Shayo

00:00:00

Welcome back to The Honest Mic, where we have honest conversations with people who've been through something with hearing, right? No highlight, real? Just real talk about what it actually takes. See, that's something I've been thinking about. Sometimes the biggest threats to a marriage isn't the couple themselves. It's everything outside of it.

00:00:34

Family expectations, in-law pressure, cultural differences, loyalty conflicts. Pastor Shayo has helped, or helps rather, cross-cultural Christian couples deal with exactly that. Through his work with Olivia Best's marriage, he's helping couples stop running against each other when the pressure rises and then to face it as wanting. And because he's living this in his home cross-cultural marriage, this isn't just theory.

00:01:05

So without further ado, Professor, welcome to the The Honest Mic. Thank you very much for watching. I'm very happy to be here. So let's start here. When outside pressure hits a marriage, How do you keep it from becoming new versus your spouse? Thank you, that's a very important question, a very good question.

00:01:28

How do I stop that the outside pressure from becoming, splitting us apart and now me and my wife are fighting against each other? It all starts with what we call being a united front. And when we talk about united front, We are not saying that you agree on everything 100%.

00:01:49

What we are saying that you have this conversation before, behind closed doors. So when you have outside pressure, maybe a in-laws. and

00:02:31

You are not enemies, you're actually a couple who are working together in a marriage because sometimes we forget and start thinking that my wife or my spouse is an enemy. So you're not cross-cultural marriage yourself? So what exactly did you have to learn the hard way about navigating two different backgrounds?

00:02:58

Oh, yes. You know when we got married, we were just thinking in terms of you know what? We love each other everything is great everything will work out and that was what was happening the first few years but we started realizing that most couples have problems but when you are bringing somebody from a different culture what you might think is common sense might and the food that you eat, it might not be common sense to the other person.

00:03:35

So we started dealing with issues like what type of food to eat. That doesn't seem like a big deal for another couple who are from the same culture but when the type of food now becomes your identity and you don't like this food, now it's seen as a rejection.

00:03:58

Somebody is rejecting you. Because we sometimes just assume like, you know what? This food is good. But somebody might be like, oh no, it stinks. So having that, realising that what I thought was common sense, I thought this is how things should be was not how things were because she also was saying A lot of things from a different culture and how common sense was different from mine.

00:04:29

Wow, so Kasa, in low pressure can get complicated first. So why does family involvement become such a source of conflict between spouses? You know for couples from different cultures, cross-cultural couples family, family involvement is not just quote unquote family involvement. Now it seems like there's more people who are involved and at the same time a lot of people have are giving their opinion on how your marriage should be so not only there's some people who are looking at you and say you know what maybe you made the wrong decision for marrying somebody from

00:05:17

not from your culture. So they are also putting their opinion and also they're observing to see are they going to behave the way we expect them to behave? I feel like there's more people in a cross-cultural marriage who are putting their opinion, and you also have to deal with more issues from in-laws compared to a marriage from the same culture. So we found out that the best way to deal with this is after we have had the United Front and have the conversation behind closed doors, the best way to deal with this is the kid from that side of the family so if it's my in-laws,

00:06:06

My wife, that's her side of the family. She should be the one to go and tell them what's going on, what we have decided. And if it's on my side of the family, I should not put her in the middle of everything and expect her to go and confront my part of the family. I'm the one who's supposed to do that. So we believe that that actually makes it way easier once we have made a decision for for the person who's that side of the family to go and talk to them because just to reduce some of

00:06:38

that conflict. And is this something you recommend to other couples, other cross-cultural couples just to be clear. Yes I would recommend that the first thing is even just before you get married have these conversations have this conversation and see okay for example if we are talking if you're about to get married with somebody like me who is coming from what we call a collectivist culture.

00:07:14

When we say family, we just don't mean mom, dad and kids. We mean mom, dad, kids, uncles, nephews, relatives, neighbors all these people are still as a family. So you need to have This conversation asks what are some of the expectations that you might be expected from your family. So maybe they're expecting you to pay school fees for the other siblings, or they're expecting you to take care of your parents, or they're expecting you to build a house for the parents. If this thing is already out in the open, you can add that to the budget,

00:07:55

or you can actually see am I even going to be able to do this or not because we found out a lot of people end up getting married and then what these expectations were there but now they find out that okay he's supposed to be taking paying school fees for his brother in college or university and now the wife is upset or the husband is upset because they did not expect this expectation was going to be there. So have these conversations especially around money ahead of time. So let's ask a question I think it's something that's gonna

00:08:35

Thank you for asking that one because we believe in two things at the same time. We believe in the two of you starting a new family and the two become one so that's very important where We believe in that. But at the same time, we believe in the Fifth Commandment that says honor your father and mother so that you can have a long life on earth.

00:09:13

So those two things, we believe that if you can balance those things you are showing a lot of growth and maturity. So, you are putting more emphasis on your family, but at the same time, you are also being very respectful to your parents. So, for example, if you need to set up boundaries with your parents, yes, it might be hard to go in face to face and tell your dad, okay father this is the boundary I'm setting or in some families you can't even have a meeting because the idea that you can go and talk to your dad and tell them what you're thinking

00:10:00

might be seen as very a lot of disrespect so you might have to go through uh your mother or you might even have to go through your uncle and so that they can go and talk to him respectfully but at the same time what we believe is that your parents can give suggestions and the decision. But eventually, ultimately you and your wife are the ones to make the decision because if you and your wife are the one to make the decision now, because you will be the ones suffering the consequences of that decision. So I believe like that's the best

00:10:37

way, the best two people to make their decision so the parents can give their advice but ultimately the decision is made in the marriage. So, Pesa, you've already touched on this a bit but I'd like to delve a bit deeper. When do two cultures collide inside of a marriage?

00:11:01

What do you think couples usually misunderstand about each other? I think the most important thing that they misunderstand is they think that whatever they think is right, is right. So you're constantly fighting and arguing because you cannot pause and see, you know what? I can be right and she can also be right.

00:11:32

It's just seeing the situation from a different culture. And that is like really hard. It was very hard for me to accept that we can have two people who are 100% right at the same time. And it's not about finding who's right. It's literally about finding what's going to work in this situation. And that can be very hard, especially when you're new to this, because Because you are constantly just saying this is the right way to do it and you are so defensive which might actually be making things worse.

00:12:13

So if you talk about couples facing pressure as one team, so what's something a couple could actually do this week to start making that shift? Okay, what you can do this week, let's say you're listening to this on your way home. And you can start by, let's say, just remember when you are dating your wife or your husband, when you guys were before getting married, there was a lot of happiness and excitement as you are looking forward for the marriage.

00:12:50

That excitement for most couples goes away. And it goes away because, not because it's two different people, it goes away because we stop looking forward and we stop thinking about each other as friends who are about to get married. We start viewing each other as enemies and she's just getting in my nerves.

00:13:12

I can't stand that. So I think the most important thing is on your way home or if you are listening to this, start thinking of her or him as a friend and do some of the things you guys used to do before getting married. I'm sure there was a lot of sending messages, sending text messages, sending pictures, calling each other. Do that because what you're doing is you're bringing that energy back. And then if you're at home, there's always a way that you guys argue.

00:13:44

Try to disrupt that. So for example one thing that I've always used and it works is let's say she's upset about something and she's very upset and she's talking to me about it. I can say, you know what? I see your point. I can be more agreeable. I can say, Wonderful advice. So, One last one before I let you go.

00:14:38

For the couple listening right now, who love each other, but they feel like family culture and outside expectations are pulling them apart, what would you want them to understand?

00:14:53

I want them to understand that it has already been… A lot of couples have been able to overcome that and I want them to understand actually The most of the outside pressure that you see and are dealing with every day is not a problem. It's just a symptom of the problem.

00:15:13

The problem is that you two are not united front, you two are not on the same page. If you guys were on the same page and you agree how to pursue this, you wouldn't be fighting each other, you will be addressing this outside pressure. Sometimes addressing the outside pressure is maybe you can just leave it alone.

00:15:34

There are many ways to deal with it, but most couples, the fact that they are not on the same page makes this outside pressure just another thing that both of them will be fighting each other about. Wonderful. Well, to my listeners I'd like to call a few things before we go.

00:15:55

We talked about what it really means to build a united front, what cross-cultural marriage can teach you the hard way, and why family pressure can create conflict between people who genuinely love each other. We talked about the difference between honoring your family and protecting your marriage, navigating loyalty conflicts and what happens when two cultures collide inside the same house.

00:16:22

And most importantly, we talked about learning to face pressure together instead of letting it turn you against each other. So Pesa if someone listening right now wants to take United Front marriage audit or let them watch your work where should they go? Yes, right now they can just go to our website which is liveyourbestmarriage.com which is l-i-v-e, yourbestmarriage.com and there they will be able to find what we call the United Front audit.

00:16:56

You'll answer a few questions and it's going to help you know where exactly the issues are especially when it comes to how your marriage is vulnerable when it comes to being divided. Once you get the results, you'll be able to know what to do with the issues we found out in the United Front quiz Wonderful. I'll leave the link in the show notes for the lesson. Once again, Pesa Shayo, helping couples stop turning against each other and start facing the pressure as one team Leah, I appreciate you coming on the The Honest Mic Share with us

00:17:40

Thank you very much, Fortune. I really enjoyed being here. And once again to my listeners, this is what I keep thinking about. We tend to think marriage is two people choosing each other. But sometimes the real challenge begins when everything outside those two peoples starts demanding a choice.

00:18:02

Your family. Their family. Your culture. Their culture. Suddenly, the person you're supposed to be standing beside starts looking like the person standing in your way. Pesa's message is a reminder that the goal isn't to eliminate every disagreement or make every family member happy. It is to remember who is on your team.

00:18:26

So here's the question I'll leave you with. When pressure comes into your relationship do you and your partner turn towards each other? or two opposite sides because the pressure may not disappear but you can decide where you stand when it arrives Unfortunately, this is the The Honest Mic and I'll see you next time