Building a United Marriage: Navigating Family Pressure, Culture & Faith Together | Pesa Shayo

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Strong marriage is Aaron's build by avoiding conflict, but by facing life's challenges together. Today we'll explore how couples can navigate family expectations, cultural differences, and communication struggles, while building a relationship with that in unity, trust, and lasting commitment. Today's guest is Pesa Shayo, author and co-founder of Live Your Best Marriage, where he helps cross-cultural Christian couples build stronger marriages through practical faith-centered guidance drawn from his own marriage and years of support of couples.

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Bessa teaches how to navigate in-law pressure, cultural differences, loyalty conflicts, and communication challenges without turning against one another. His mission is to help couples establish healthy boundaries, strengthen their partnership, and face lies external pressures as one united team. Welcome to the show, Pastor. Great to have you. Thank you very much, Oti. I'm very excited to be here today.

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Awesome, awesome. It's really amazing how, you know, what inspired you and your wife to start Lie, Sir, to start and Live Your Best Marriage. And what gap did you see that needed to be addressed? Thank you very much. So what really inspired us is not because we had this great marriage and and we wanted to tell people about this great marriage.

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No, it's because we were going through a lot of marriage problems. Originally, I'm from Kenya. My wife, Whitney, is from America. And although we love each other and when we got married, we believe love will take care of everything. But what we did not know that each one of us came with this invisible, we call them invisible rule book about marriage and how to deal with each other.

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So the way I was raised did not really, the way I was raised, I was raised to just believe in hard work, provide for the family, but at the same time, I wasn't really taught about the emotional aspect of marriage. so working hard providing for my family but at the same time my wife is feeling very alone and very basically having this emotional distance and every time she bring she was bringing these things up I was very defensive because I know I was doing the right things. All my friends were telling me

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you are doing the right thing, she's not being grateful for all the sacrifices you are doing for your family. Eventually eventually I was able to realize that you know what it's not just about providing you can also provide and still be there and still be there emotionally for your family So this is why we are bringing this information out, especially to cross-cultural couples because some people might come from different cultures and they are not getting this information because most of the time their marriage information and lessons are not clearly based on cross-cultural

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couples. It's always people from the same culture and that's why we decided to start talking about How did you feel about this? It's really amazing, like you said, because we provide. It doesn't mean we can be there emotionally. Yes, yes and just growing up nobody was talking about emotions. When I was growing up it was Did he pay for school fees? Does he take care of his kids? Does he family have a nice house? Do they have a car?

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Those are the things that made sense when I was growing up in Kenya. Nobody was talking about like, does the wife feel hard? Is there any emotions? Does she feel alone? That's not even an issue. It was just how much can you provide? Yeah. You often talk about building a united front.

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Yes. What does that look like in a healthy marriage? So, you know, That's a really good question. We ask a lot about that. I believe that United Front means that a couple will be facing problems together instead of turning against each other, which is basically what most couples will do. They have a problem they start blaming. They have a problem they start blaming each other instead of saying okay this is something we need to deal with how can we work together to take care of these problems? So now it does not mean

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that everybody or every time you'll have identical opinions. Or it doesn't mean that if somebody thinks something differently, who will not be their voice would matter. No, disagreements are still handled honestly but when it's time to give a response to the kids or to give a response to the relatives or to give a response to any outside pressure You are coming as a team. You are coming and saying the same thing. It's very clear and both of you agree. So you're not having a situation where what my wife will tell her mom

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is not what we had talked about. We don't have that. It's we agree and then when she goes and talks to my in-laws, it's what we had already agreed because most of the problems we find out when there is no United Front, there will be side deals. One person is saying this but if if you go and talk to the other person, it's a different story.

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Somebody's, maybe I can talk to my family and say, you know what? I'll do it but if only my wife was agreeing. No, it's either we agree or disagree But not saying she's making me do this If only she wasn't this mean i'll do it No, no we don't that's what we call a United Front Coming up with an answer after having a conversation in private There must be unison yeah Yeah, United Front, you know like you said, when we are united, it's really important which brings in communication so they must communicate properly and be united as one.

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So why do family expectations and in-law relationships become such common sources of conflict for married couples? How do you view yourself as a husband? You know, that's a good question because especially if you're coming from two different cultures in one marriage sometimes you don't really appreciate how much your identity, how you view yourself, your accent, how you view yourself as a husband and all that.

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You don't appreciate how much of your identity, how you think about family, your memories and and all how you feel it, you feel you belong. You can't appreciate how much that comes from your culture. So when a spouse starts to question your traditions or some people will feel like now they're feeling like, okay if you are questioning my tradition now you are rejecting me.

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You are rejecting my entire background. That's why it becomes very a problem when somebody is talking about their other person's culture because the other person might feel like they are being rejected. and so the best way sometimes to think about it is just be curious. You can ask, why did you guys… why do you do it that way?

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And just show some curiosity so that you can reduce that threat So somebody does not feel like… you can ask like how does this mean to you or what does this mean What does your family teach you about this instead of just saying that's wrong I don't agree with that. Why do you do that? Don't do that Because if it's something connected to somebody's culture It's also most likely also connected to how they view themselves, which is their identity and a lot of their childhood memories are connected to that. Like for example food.

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Somebody might say no that food stinks I don't want to eat it but what they don't know is that food was you've been eating since you were a kid, a child so it has very good memories maybe it's a goat maybe it's something like that it has very you have very good memory so when somebody says I don't like it, and if it's your spouse, some people might feel very rejected.

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So it's something to be very careful when you're dealing with cultures. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. How can couples set healthy boundaries, so it's extended family without damaging those relationships? Yes. Couples can, again, we go back to boundaries sometimes. It's easy to think in terms of, okay, I just need to set a boundary with my in-laws. I just need to set a boundary with his parents or her parents yes but we believe that sometimes the issue of boundaries is only a symptom it's a symptom of another problem and the problem is that you too are

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not united because sometimes if there's you're having the same problem every day and you might think it's an in-laws problems oh my goodness they are always there's something there's the in-laws are bringing all the time problems actually it's the fact that both of you are not on the same page when it comes to how to handle the in-laws. So somebody, for example, might say, okay, we are…

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the same page but when it's time to deliver the news is the child whose their parents do they are they afraid to tell them what you guys have already decided because it's one thing to decide but can we can somebody tell them and we believe the best person to say to set

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When there's an agreement on the family, each house has a set of boundaries with each of their own families. has one that is inside, does the same, around-side. Yes, so yeah like for me I'm the one who needs to set boundaries with my side of the family and she need boundaries with her side but that's after we have agreed, yes, actually, yes, that In our cross-cultural marriages, what are some of the biggest misunderstandings you've seen, and how can couples navigate them?

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way everybody in the world does things. So it doesn't sound like a big deal especially if you are coming from the same culture with this with your spouse. But if you are two different cultures You need to be very curious and not just assume that the way you think is the way everybody does things So like it might be for example holidays What you define as a family might not be what everybody thinks is a family family.

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Where I come from, I think family includes my immediate family plus my cousins, my nephews, my nieces and all that. I call them family but that does not mean in the West that's family. Family in the West is just a nuclear family which is father mother and the kids, mom and

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So, yeah, that's how it's more. You know, one reality is divided between spouse and one family. one's family of origin, how should couple approach that enter? Yes. So loyalty, that's a very big, very big issue. And there's a lot of problems with that. And we call, we talk about what we call loyalty transfer. And loyalty transfer, basically what we mean is, are you where does your loyalty stay? Who are you loyal? Is it, are you loyal to your family of origin? Or have you moved that loyalty to your new family, which is your husband, wife, and the children. Because if

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the loyalty stays with the old family of origin, and we deal with Christian couples, so we believe we believe the Bible talks about to become one. You leave your parents and you cleave, you become one. So, two became one and started a new family. But at the same time, we believe that you need to honor and respect your parents.

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That's a commandment to honor your parents. So now although their loyalty has moved from where where you are born and raised to your new family. Now, you're more loyal with your new family. You still honor and respect the contributions that your family of origin did. So if they took you to school, if they helped you travel, all those things, you are still honoring them but you are making decisions as a new family.

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Most of the problems that cross-cultural couples have and other couples have is when they haven't transferred the loyalty. The loyalty still stays with their family of origin and as long as it's still stuck with the family of origin, they are loyal to them. They believe that's their real family. They will even say blood is thicker than water and she just came here I'm not gonna really pay a lot of attention to her my wife because she's no blood. If you still think that way You still believe in the loyalty still with the old family, your family of origin and until that has been moved to a new one

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you will always have these problems. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. Yeah, now talking about argument many arguments seem to repeat themselves how can you identify the deeper issue beneath requiring conflict? Yes thank you very much because the idea of recurring conflict is a big problem because you're just constantly fighting and you don't see that.

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Actually, we are still talking about the same thing. It's dressed differently but it's the same thing. And that's why it's important to remember that we are on the same team. So we're on the same team. And what does that mean? It means basically the fact that we are married, I chose this person to be married to. And because we're on the same team, We need to treat them as a friend because once I start treating them as a friend, not as an enemy, it will give me time to pause. Because when you're dealing with, when you're feeling like

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you're in jail or you feel like you are dealing with an enemy, you have no time to pause. As long as you're fighting, you will not really have time to think through that whole thing. You are just reacting, reacting to all the fights but when you pause, you can start understanding oh my goodness Every fight we have, it's always about the same thing. Either in-laws, money, We don't have enough money or she's spending a lot of money, I'm making money but she's spending a lot all this problem but usually is the same problem now you can start understanding okay

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what is really going on and sometimes you might find out actually that is how in a different culture, that is how things are done. But you will not have found out if you didn't pause, seek to understand okay what is happening here because if you're just seeing this as your enemy and they're out to get you and how come they're spending money this much? How come they're doing things this way without understanding like oh hold on this is how she was trained or this is This is how she was raised, or this is how she expects in a marriage

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And that's not what you were raised, that's not what you saw your mother doing and you thought every woman would be doing what your mother used to do at home But you forgot that it's just how it's done in your culture Remembering that this is your friend will help you pause And when you pause, you're able to be curious enough To see this is the work we've been doing all the time and also sometimes don't just ask who is wrong, start asking like you know what what is really going on

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why are we so divided all the time? We are friends she's not my enemy but why all the time we are fighting instead of saying you know what you're always wrong you are always getting in my nerves I can't believe you're doing this again that's not gonna get you anywhere The Gucci, right? I don't think I grew up here Yes.

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Ah, okay. For couples who feel disconnected after years of unresolved conflict, why should they begin rebooting trust and unity? Thank you. And this is a lot of couples deal with this. And you say something very important. After years that when you bring the issue of after years and there's a lot of resentment, a lot of trust issues, a lot of broken dreams people feel like He is not going to change, she's not going to change I'm just gonna stay here because it's too expensive to live But yes, it's still possible to start this

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And one of the easiest things to do Okay, the first thing is knowing that it's possible You are not the first one and has been done by many couples Who have for so many years gone through this rat Ratways they feel like nothing will ever change This is just how it's gonna be for my life Let me just do this until I die, no no no no One of the easiest things to do is start having what we call date nights And a lot of people have already had this Oh going for date night is oh we're gonna go there again

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Nothing is gonna change But you are doing it differently this time This time you are becoming more and more agreeable Think about it when you go to your job When you at your job sometimes your boss might be not very nice to you But that does not mean you don't find ways to make things work.

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Sometimes, you might be more agreeable. Sometimes, you just accept things and you just do them. But at the end of the day, you find ways to make things work. But when it comes to marriage, most people just give up. They don't want to work and figure out the best way that's going to work for their specific situation.

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Another simple thing is when you're talking to your wife, put the phone away. Okay, somebody's like okay what's the big deal about it? Yes, it's a small thing but it's actually really big because now you are listening. She is talking, you are listening. You might not agree but just like…

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Just because you don't agree with something does no mean you cannot listen and try to see where they're coming from. Don't just always be blaming that's a big one And being defensive if somebody says something you'll always know how to fight back some things you can just say okay I see what you mean I see what you mean. You don't have to bring up all the problems from yesterday, because you want a better future. But I think the big one here is I go back to remembering that you guys are friends. It might not feel like it. That's the key. It might not feel like it,

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but that's a start. Because eventually, that's what we really need. Two people who are friends. Because once you feel like you're more friendly to each other, you are more likely to do things together, you can do projects together and you can also be better lovers you can love each other more because it feels like you are feeling you are nicer to your friend instead of always being on guard because they are an enemy. Yeah wow thank you so so much Pesa before you go if every couple listening today could adopt one principle that would strengthen

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and get married immediately. What would you want that principle to be? One principle is remember, one principle is remember that you chose each other when you are getting married. You chose each other. And if you can bring some of the energy that you had before marriage, you know when you are calling her, can't wait to see her, very happy to see her, all the energy you had before marriage, if you can start bringing it back, you don't even need me.

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you will be able to figure it out because you are able to do all these things even You didn't need a counselor to get hard to get married to you See, it was so easy but now that you're married now is like oh my goodness what am I gonna talk to this woman?

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No You already know what to say because you used your words before and she actually excited to get married to you So remembering that this is the same person that you chose to get married to can really help Even give you more energy that if I did it before, I can do it again.

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I can actually be able to get her to like me again. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and practical part. Your reminded of marriage tries when couples face life's pressures to get rather than each other. It is both timely and deeply encouraged. We appreciate the work you're doing to strengthen families and help couples in unity.

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It's been a pleasure having you on the show, thank you so much Rich. Thank you very much Ory, I really enjoyed it. Awesome! We are not con listeners connected, is she? Definitely yes, they can connect with me, they can go to liveyourbestmarriage.com and then that is L-I-V-E yourbestmarriage.com and the good thing about it is when they go there, they can take the free United Front quiz and it will help them know where they're strong and it comes to family pressures, in-laws and just being connected to their spouse.

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And then from that they'll be able to know what exactly they need to work on. And this is free! Just go to liveyourbestmarriage.com to take the free United Front quiz. Amazing! Yes. That's how everyone listen it. Thank you for joining us for another episode on Infinite Allex.j If today's conversation will create you, share with your spouse, a friend or someone preparing for marriage.

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Don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and join us for more conversations that inspire stronger relationships, wiser leadership and meaningful personal growth. Until next time continue investing in relationships that matter most and live with love, wisdom and unity. Take care, bye for now.